Stupid and Stupider; A Call to Greater Stupidity

I count down the hours until he gets home.  Hoping that by some grace, I might make it through the next three hours.  I have missed my nap this day, and naps are practically a sacrament in our house.  No, really.  If you were to get my perspective on life, love, the world, and all that dwells in it before and after my nap, you would think I was bi-polar.  And maybe I am.  The point being, naps are kind of a rule.  They just have to happen.  If I don’t take a nap, even just a teeny one every day, my body can barely (and sometimes not at all) handle the stress/commitments/obligations/priorities/just plain stuff I have to get done on a daily basis.  Over time I have discovered this, as I am a night-owl and a self-proclaimed and husband-proclaimed task junkie.  Even if the task is sitting to watch my fifth straight espisode of “Damages,” I don’t do well when entirely idle.  Hence, during my “naptime” I often feel the pull to check emails, do laundry, Twitter, Facebook, yada, yada, yada.  This can no longer happen, and the nap just has to.  As I looked over my day having no nap, I yelled at the kids more than I should have/ever want to, didn’t accomplish nearly what I usually can, and as usual, had a profoundly negative worldview.

I send a text to Hubby: “Can you take over tonight?  I’m a mess.”  My husband who works long, hard hours doing landscaping and other cleaning duties and loading/unloading sometimes ginormously heavy pieces of metal all day, comes in the door, and boy does he ever take over.  He comes with the standard daily Dr. Pepper in hand, one that he had to get from the machine at work today because he couldn’t get it at the store, yet he didn’t forget it.  This simple, almost insignificant act of love melts me, and reminds me of how he seeks to bless me in the simplest of ways, and in the midst of his chaos at work, doesn’t forget to think of me.

I take a long, hot bath in the darkness in my bathroom, the window open slightly and the sounds of the rain outside tapping on it.  I feel like I’m getting a cold, I’m that kind of delirious tired, where you aren’t even tired anymore, you just know you can’t go on.  I have “The Company Men” playing on my laptop in the bathroom as I soak…a video my mother rented on Amazon and was gracious enough to let me “borrow.”  I watch it (a very sad movie but also very inspiring), and though I’m not able to finish it, I am inspired by the men in the film.  Let go from their jobs, and having to learn to be frugal in their once lavish lifestyles.  I am reminded how thankful I need to be that my husband has work, and that we have not only what we need, but so much more than we could ever ask for, too.

I get dressed and come out into the living room to see the children helping Daddy get the meal he has prepared for everyone for dinner set up.  It was delicious.  We eat, have some silly moments that make us laugh, and some fun time watching the baby.  When dinner is done, Daddy reads the children a lesson from the Holy Scriptures.  I listen from the garage where I am folding laundry to hear the beautiful sounds of God’s Word and nightly prayers, and Bryan trying hard to get the children to stop playing, asking for water, and to be attentive.  Immediately following this, he rounds them up and begins getting them ready for bed.  I watch as he dances to music in the living room with them and it puts a smile on my face and in my heart.  Everyone gets tucked into bed and then I start Maron on her homework, and finish up my chores that I wasn’t able to get done earlier in the day.

 

As I’m making our bed, I am reminded of something simple, yet profound my husband told me long ago which he got from an online acquaintance named Paul M., “Sin makes you stupid.”  These words echoed with me, and probably will for the rest of my life.  As we watch people live their lives, make their choices, and make a lot of bad ones, it can be so easy to think, “Why did they do that?”  Well guess what folks, it’s because they were stupid.  And all of us are stupid, too.  Maybe we are stupid in a different area with less outward consequences, but we’re all stupid.  Sin comes along, promises the world and all we could want to us, as it did to Adam and Eve in the Garden, and Christ in the wilderness, and we say shure thing, and bite off more than we can chew.  I’m not saying we can simply pass the buck on our disobedience as they tried in the garden, but I think we can certainly be aware, and make it a point to become more aware, of where our rationality goes/can go/will go when we choose something destructive that impairs our judgement.

But as I the toss the linens about, trying to make it nice enough for bedtime, it isn’t the fact that sin makes you stupid that crosses my mind as much as the reality of what makes you even stupider than sin – love.

Is there anything stupider at times than to choose love?  When the hard gavel hits the bench, it’s all about justice, isn’t it?  It’s all about what’s right, what’s wrong, and what someone deserves, right?  Isn’t this the most logical, most important, most admirable thing to updhold?

When I think of my days as a mother of four, there is no “fairytale” where the kids are always full of cheer and obedience, and I am always the patient instructor and friend, gently guiding them off into the sunset to frolic on a rainbow.  I usually awake somewhere between 4-6am to find one or two children interuppting my sleep at the foot of the bed, roll over trying not to hurt them but still trying to get comfortable for my last few moments or hours of much-needed/desired sleep.  Once I’m up, everyone is up.  My two year old wanting water and breakfast, my six-year-old wondering why we didn’t get all her homework done last night and wondering if I remember we have like an hour to finish it up (as if I could forget), my one year old who is ready to nurse and get breakfast, and my four year old who wants to watch cartoons and refuses to cooperate with my demand to get a book and read it on the couch or play with toys instead.  Then it’s off to school with all four of them to get my eldest there on time, back home to finish up breakfast/cleaning up, nursing, teaching and instructing all day — I have to say “Don’t bite, fight, hit, or spit” so many times in a day it has become a rhyme.  Kids smearing toothpaste on the couches, sneaking treats from the pantries and the fridge, pulling out dangerous things they know they shouldn’t be playing with, disrespecting me constantly, and a whole host of other things while still trying to keep the house ordered and managed, and instill gentleness in their strong-willed, stubborn hearts, and show them love myself, not just chores.  By the end of the day sometimes (and even early morning), I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to run out the door with my purse and never come back.  Yes, it really can be that bad sometimes.  Maybe not politically correct to share such inner thoughts to some, but for the sake of honesty, and more importantly compassion and empathy, I have to be honest, sometimes I want to run.

So what keeps me coming back to disrespect, a dirty house, screaming, crying, biting, hitting, spitting, tantrums, fits, episodes, etc. etc. etc.? Love.  I am just that stupider.  I am stupider enough to believe by the grace of God (both the believing and the practicing) that it is not in vain.  That for every tantrum, there is a kiss on my cheek or lips from a sweet, tiny person telling me they love me.  For every plea for television when I have decided there has been enough for the day  that turns into a full-blown fit, there is a little boy that leans over all the time while I am working to say, “How can I help you, Mom?”  For every night-time moment of chaos, there is a little girl who as I am leaving her room says she wants a kiss…and then a hug.  For every scream, there is a laugh, signifying the joys of childhood, and what life is all about – love.

Love is what makes you stay when all you want to do is go.  Love is what makes you stand still when you feel like running, and probably could.  Love is what makes you take them to the zoo when every inch of your body is hurting, because you know they need the sunshine.  Love is what makes you tuck them in with a kiss and hug when sometimes you don’t feel like you ever want to see them again.  Love is what makes you show kindness to the bitchy lady at the store (who is every time you go in) when the first thing you’d have the right to do is talk to her manager.  Love is what makes you hold the last word, when you’d rather get it.  Love is what makes you serve the person you despise.  Love is what makes you say, “I forgive you” instead of “I hate you.”  Love is what makes us come back, and not run away.

And whose love (with no disrespect) could be stupider than God’s?  Loving people while they are sinning and cursing His name?  Loving people as they betray Him, and are more concerned with which seat will be theirs than loving Jesus? Loving people who love themselves more than anyone?  Loving a tax collector?  Loving a theif?  Loving a murderer?  An adulterer?  Loving people who deserve to hear the hard blow of the gavel?  Loving those who believen in Him, and those who don’t?  Loving a mother of four young children, with post-partum depression that is debilitating, who often loses sight of the blessings in front of her, and wants to run away?  That right there is some stupider love.  I know how hard it is.  I feel your heart aching.  I would cry with you if I was there and hold you hand and say I know, I know, I know…You are not alone if you are struggling to love…and stay.  But His love goes beyond understanding with depth our frailty, He wants to give us strength, to not run away.  To be as stupid as we can possibly be — to love like Him, and be loved in return.

Peace,

Rachel

 

 

 

The Roses

As I came home, I passed them.

They were so strong, as I stood several feet away, their aroma touched my sense of smell and my emotions.

Their aroma is so sweet, so delicate, and yet strong enough to catch you and take you miles away in a daydream of a soothing place.

The dishes are all over the counter.

In the sink, on the table, some in other rooms where we live, they sit.

The dirty clothes make a nice padding to our feet in certain places.

The lists are long, and the trials will come.

Some have already come, and have left an invisible trail of stains where tears fell and penetrated the floor beneath our feet.

Our home is a humble one, with many in our culture far superior in style, cleanliness, decorations afforded, and luxuries we may only talk about having on a lazy Sunday afternoon when fantasy can sometimes overtake us.

But on HIS day, what a silly thing to spend time this way.

The poor without homes, as the Savior who scarcely rested His weary head, are often in torment, often alone, often deserted by us as we drive by in our functional automobiles, on our way to not only nourishment, but to eat what to them, would be a delicacy.

A rose can be so much to us, if we have nothing.

It could be a poor man’s treasure or only joy.

And yet, this simple (not in its properties but in its abundance as something we may find ourselves passing every day) rose is merely a fraction of what I have.

They are in my yard because someone else planted and nurtured them.

My yard, leading to a home full- as full as can be, of Earthly treasures and comforts, of which I am undeserving, and of which I fail to see every day, as I could also easily forget the roses if I dared not turn my head to the right or the left.

The water runs freely as I turn it on.

The machine cleans my clothes, and I have so many to do, because we are abundantly granted clothes for covering.

Warmth, fire to make bread, a hard surface to walk on, enclosed from rain and wind…

oh yes, the treasures are more than can be said, and my wicked, selfish heart forgets to be thankful.

I see their houses, and try to follow their trend.

I, too, tell myself I need this or that…

want- more appropriately the word.

There are weeds in the yard to be pulled,

goals of which even the surface has yet to be altered…

but my children play and laugh.

I want to read the  books I just got for them.

I want to listen to the beautiful songs we can hear…

I want to sing.

My beloved gives that I may have health and happiness, rest and reward for my labors.

My beloved gives when I have not done as I ought with my duties, and have squandered, he still rewards.

The house needs so much and there are many chores to be done,

but the roses may not be here tomorrow.

I must smell them today.

The rain and wind, from which we are sheltered, may cast them to the ground in pieces,

and only today may I be able to learn from them.

Stop.

Smell.

See.

The roses may not be here tomorrow.

The Waves

On the rocks, on the shore, She watches and stands.

She comes so often to this place, to examine the waves.

As a gardener must pluck the weeds, She bends low, using great strength,

trying to separate the plants of great beauty from the choking destroyers, stunting growth.

She begins to see in every way, these waves are the deep well of Her emotions.

As with Her emotions, they rise so high, they withdraw so low.

At once, at times, they rise strong and powerful enough, to cast Her to the rocks, bleeding and helpless.

In the midst of Her bleeding, She remains…remains in awe of their deep power.

Though they could harm Her, or cause Her death in an instant, She cannot help but stare at them and appreciate such passions.

Though the waters are sometimes so dark and so strong, there is a beauty in their strength.

There is a beauty, in being able to bleed, to feel.

They penetrate deeply, they fight the rocks and prove themselves stronger, higher.

They can refresh or ridicule Her, they can be at times corrosive, and at others comforting.

At times, the waters are still and the sun provides dancing light as birds are free from terror to fly about them.

And yet, Lord, She is now broken and bleeding, against the rocks thrown.

You who calmed the waves, rebuke them again now…She is weary and heavy laden, and You say to come.

Control the waves of Her soul as She is unable, and is full of fear.

Bring the demon, one thousand feet taller than Her, to Your subjection, make Her trembling legs strong in the fight.

As You lift Her bruised head, rest it gently against Your breast…give Her rest…whisper to Her,

that “her warfare is ended” and You have made both the calm waves and the fierce…and by Your strength,

You will give Her joy, in the storm.

Ages and Stages

Dear Mothers Everywhere:  Hang in there.  You are not forgotten.

With Mother’s Day tomorrow, my finally putting my thoughts for this post into an actual post happened at just the right time!  I would like to start out by addressing humans everywhere:  We are all in different stages in our lives (hence ages and stages!), and I have no doubt, some of you are going through things I cannot even begin to imagine; and probably through some things I can imagine, and would never want to endure.  I do not want this post to appear as though motherhood is this terrible plight one must drudge through day by day with no rest, or sanity, and that it is the “worst” of things one can experience.  Nothing could be farther from the truth!  However, as we are all in different stages, this is the stage I am in.  To borrow from some beautiful words I read on a friend’s Blog, I am in the “dog days of motherhood.  one foot in front of the other”.  As this post will more than likely apply to and by God’s grace encourage people with very young children, I imagine any of you can relate to this in one way or another.  If you as a mother are not going through this stage now, you can remember and reflect, learning to cherish whatever stage you are in at the moment, letting go of past failures and regrets, and teaching other of us moms around you how to persevere through this stage!

And so, let us begin.  What exactly is this stage I am speaking of?  Well, to borrow a few quick scenarios from my own life, it is the:  baby is crying and needs to nurse, while screaming toddler in need of discipline throws himself on the floor, while the food on the stove desperately needs attention, you can’t remember the last time you were able to use the restroom, you really need to eat yourself, please tell me the toddler did not just do that with that thing he is not supposed to touch, I haven’t read a book for more than 5 minutes unless everyone was asleep, I’m finally laying down to snooze and the baby decides to wake up from her nap, the toddler just spilled the water everywhere I’m so glad it didn’t land on the computer, I was just thinking how excited I was to rest for a few minutes and now poop is all over the floor, brother and sister are chasing each other around the house in a fit of jealousy/not sharing the toy/hitting and I still need to use the restroom – stage.  Mothers, you know what I’m talking about!

Let’s just imagine, all we had to do was meet their basic needs, right?  Feed them, clothe them, change them, put lotion on their dry parts, bathe them, put on the band aids and make sure they get some sleep.  Well, if your house is anything like mine that alone could take a HUGE amount of time in your day!  Even with an absolutely amazing four-year-old who is more helpful than some 30-year-olds + that I have met, who can do so much for herself, there is still a ton she cannot do.  She cannot cook for herself, do the dishes, clean and fold the laundry, etc. etc.  So, combine that with the almost-two year old, and the six month old, it = a hard stage!  And so, as we’ve seen, just basic needs are an all-day chore if you let it be, depending on your level of “clean” or “organized”.  And yet, as we can see so beautifully in so many different areas of Scripture, as humans to other humans, our lives are to be full of nurturing, esteeming others more highly than ourselves, praying with and for each other, weeping or rejoicing with each other, bearing each other’s burdens…these children will learn of life and love from US.  Our needs to clothe and feed them are only where it begins…we must show them life with a thankful heart…teach them to rejoice in all that God has made, and not to just plow on through the work never noticing each other.  Their so very fragile, so very tender, innocent little hearts, need to hear of Jesus, and see Jesus, in real kindness, affection, tenderness…in books being read, and seeing the outdoors, in learning chores together, in a fun way, where everyone is involved and they are not left alone always to feel they are a burden, getting in the way of what “really matters” to us, which is oftentimes what shouldn’t matter.  A mother’s love and touch, as we are the primary example they get in a day of what it means to care for someone, cannot be easily overlooked.  God has not called us simply to be neat (and my house rarely is!) but to nurture, in so many areas.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually…our children need to be met by us with the same eagerness and willingness our Lord had…not sent away because we are too busy with other things.

Now of course I am not saying children should not learn to entertain themselves, or that work in the house or yard is not a  necessity.  What I am saying though, is that with very small children, our expectations needs to be much lower, and our patience probably the highest it will ever be!  To borrow another wonderful quote I read on a friend’s Blog, “Never again will our children want us so much”.  The eyes and hearts that look up at us from these young, impressionable faces as they are learning what love means, will soon reach the teenage years, when they will “know everything” and “not need us” anymore. Let’s stop and enjoy it while we can.

I would love to do many things, selfishly speaking here.  I would love to go out every night with my Husband, or at least 3 times a week, and read a book anytime I feel like it, for as often as I want to, sleep in as late as I want, and watch any movie I want without a single interruption, and have a SPOTLESS house.  But at this stage in life (and really, I think there is rarely a stage in life that cush!  maybe after retirement!) and with our children so young, we are in one of the most selfless opportunities life has to offer.  When we feel ourselves thinking, “It seems like my life is just not about me anymore, and there is no time for myself”, frankly, we are right.  At this time, the “me” time is the most to the back burner, and the “them” time, is boiling away on the front!  Overflowing, in fact!  I remember Christ, who came to serve, and not to be served, though He was Lord of all.  To love our children, means serving them, which means sacrificing for them.  But if you feel like you are drowning, stop and ask yourself a few questions, they may not seem like they are at first, but they may end up being quite encouraging.  How many children do I have?  How old are they?  How much can they do for themselves?  Do I have a child that is nursing, and needing physical sustenance from me?  If you can answer more than one to the first question (not to make it seem like having one child is not TOTALLY hard work moms, but it is a different stage all its own which we all go through), and all of the children in the house are under 8 or so, and you are nursing, I can promise you, these ages and stages are what cause you the most “frustration”, or feeling like you are drowning…in actuality, you probably are!  But thankfully, “The waves and winds still know, His voice who ruled them, while He dwelt below”. When I used to be a receptionist, I had many responsibilities.  At the end of the day, a lot of times I would look at my list of things I had to do, and would barely have accomplished anything!  This would perplex me greatly as I didn’t think I was “wasting” that much time.  It was then that I discovered the register for my phone messages.  I had no idea how much time answering the phones was taking from my day, because it was just part of the job and habit!  Until I actually had a log to look at, it didn’t become evident to me how much effort was being put into just answering the phones.  Well, this is how parenthood is so often.  You feel like you’ve spent all day working, yet it sort of seems you have nothing to show for it (i.e. – the house is still dirty, laundry didn’t get done, etc.), but if someone was keeping a log, they might see endless kisses, hugs, diapers being changed, books being read, potty training taking place, meals being made, and on and on the log would go.  Know you are not lost in this race to win the prize – Godly offspring.  We must cast our cares on Him, as He cares for us.  We must meditate on His Word to remember and call out for His great and powerful promises.  We must go to Him who is rest for the weary, and ask for renewed strength in our calling, hope for its stormy days, and rest when He calms the storm.  If you are like me, your expectations are off the charts.  Set the bar lower.  Look at what you have to do…training, nurturing, loving, playing with, feeding, rejoicing in, smiling at, kissing, hugging reading to, and yes, even cleaning up after with your spare time – your precious children.  When you reflect on the “ages and stages” your children are on this Mother’s Day, and always, and it seems like you just can’t take another breath, remember these things:  He knows we are but dust and gives us grace in measure…and, never forget, the awesome, awe-inspiring, beautiful, blessed, heart-warming privilege of being able to be called that one special word…MOM.

Happy Mother’s Day, no matter what stage you are in, because if you are a mom, it is a selfless one.  God’s blessings to you and yours!

~R

every GOOD and perfect gift

We have all grown up with different traditions, and ways of doing things.  Some we are very comfortable with, some we are frankly nonchalant about because we have done them for so long, and some we disregard or dislike because they don’t fit into our “comfort zone”.  I have been through a lot of these changes having gone from Southern Baptist churches, to word-of-faith churches, to Calvary, to Presbyterian churches, and now to Anglican tradition.  There are many things I have had to “adjust” to from an IFB upbringing, and many things I have just plain left behind – and thankfully so.  One thing that I am so thankful to God for, that I so often reflect on the beauty of, is the rich spirit of tradition, liturgy, and seriousness involved in the sacraments and Christian holidays by the Anglican church.  It is amazing!  Having not grown up with these customs, I certainly, as I said before, was not used to it.  But now, it has become such a part of me, I can’t imagine going back!

As Christians, I think our tendency (and really, as humans in general) is for the every day to become so mundane for us.  I know as a parent, I daily find myself struggling with this.  It’s like sometimes, after the third mess to clean up in one hour, or the fifth fit thrown by a child, or the third meal needing to be made, the beauty and wonder of what I am doing is easily lost.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you need to do a little dance every time you are scrubbing vomit out of the carpet with glee on your face.  What I am saying though, is oftentimes I find myself having to stop and say: “Wow.  These children are mine!  All three of these beautiful gifts are mine!  I get to nurture their so very tender, fragile, and often rebellious hearts today.  They are my disciples, and I have the privilege of learning from them, teaching them, playing with them, loving them, feeding them, changing them, and being their mother.  So many women cannot do this, even though they desire to.  So many children are in homes where they are abused constantly, and left malnourished and unloved.  Today, I have the opportunity to make these childrens’ lives not only joyous, but filled with the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ, that they may take what they have learned to the world around them, serve Christ’s people, and share His love.”  My!  When I think of it in those terms, how quickly the mundane becomes so beautiful, fun, exciting, and purposeful.

This is how I experience church now, thanks to the care and thought put into the Anglican tradition.  Every Sunday is an opportunity to remember what I believe, give God the reverence due His name, and with the sacrament, see Christ and His forgiveness before me as a reminder every time.  The vestments, candles, decorations, and order of the service serve to make everything that is often the John-3:16-spouted-off-without-much-thought-put-into-the-words Christianity, into a Christ-the-real-true-living-Person-present-with-us-and-worthy-of-adoration-and-praise-and-reverence Christianity.

And so, on this Good Friday, I am so thankful for the Mass I attended last night, the one I will God-willing attend tonight, Saturday night, and Sunday morning, all pointing me to those blessed reminders, and making it real before my eyes.  And to my Lord Jesus Christ, of all the things I have to thank You for this day, the one I want to thank You the most for is this:

You take us from darkened eyes, to the understanding of your Word, hearts that long to love and obey You, and You give us opportunity time and again, to build our house upon sturdy ground.  I think of the sins of my past, of which I am so ashamed, and so many of which I committed knowing full-well the consequences, and that I was cheapening Your grace, and yet, today, and every day, every hour, every second I have the opportunity, by Your grace, to repent, turn, and do that which is honoring in Your sight.  Today, to me, You are the God of second, third, fourth – endless opportunities.  I will not always obey perfectly, but by Your grace, I can always learn, repent, and call on You for all these things.  Thank You for this moment, to make yesterday’s mistakes just that – yesterday’s.

`R

The Danger of Sin and the Power of Our Self-Deception

Thoughts Today…

Been thinking today about the danger involved in sinning. Perhaps an aspect we don’t all consider.  I am usually intrigued by movies in which someone who is just a “regular” guy or gal, proceeds in behavior which is what we would all consider “wrong”, but generally speaking the person is just being selfish and unwise, not intending for anyone to get “hurt” – and then, in keeping with such a plot, lives end up lost, or at least irreversible damage is done far beyond what regular guy or gal could have fathomed, and now consequences are left for all.  I love these movies for several reasons;

a.  It shows a true view of the consequences of our sin.  No matter how much we may feel we are just selfishly motivated with no intention to “really” hurt any other person, the nature of sin is that its effects spread as disease through our lives, spilling over from generation to generation in many cases.   I can guarantee you, before I speak on a more personal level about my own life, there is many a child who has told a lie, many a teenager who has taken a drug, many an adult who has cheated on his or her taxes that had consequences which surprised them, either by the people they hurt or the legacy they left through these “harmless” acts.

b.  In watching the film, I get to “experience” the life lesson, without having to actually live it. This is one of the beautiful things I think we can forget as well about the Scriptures.  We can read (and should) what other Godly men and women did in their weakest moments of failure, and we can learn from these things before we foolishly replicate it.

c.  It gives a really great redeeming value to the movies.  Rather than just watching senseless violence, or crime, you can actually come away refreshed to go and do what God would have you do, instead of just flooding your mind with glorified sin – there is a lesson involved.

Now, I don’t want to completely eliminate the element of knowing what our sin will do (as best we can), and doing it anyway.   I would refer to what my husband would call sin-induced stupidity.  It makes us stupid.  It makes us almost insane.  The drive to do whatever it is we’re wanting in the moment can be so strong, that though we know (in the back of our minds comes the “still, small voice” reminding us) full-well what some of the consequences may be, we proceed in our stupidity, fulfilling the desires of the flesh, rather than walking in the Spirit.

I encounter this almost on a daily basis with my children.  They have upset me for whatever reason, are grating on my nerves, or are just being their cute little selves and I’m too frustrated to appreciate it, and so, here it comes – the urge to yell.  If I fight the urge, I have beautiful smiling faces looking at me, ready to learn and absorb everything I have to tell them, if I decide to give in to the urge, I have little ones, who instead of getting the tender, gentle, nurturing their fragile hearts so desperately need, are scarred, downcast, and begin feeling like a burden rather than a delight.  But oftentimes, it is the pondering of this dangerous cycle before I’m even in the situation that affords the most benefit.  Because, after all, these urges in our flesh are just that – urges.  They are not the cute little angels dancing on our shoulder trying to help us decide – in our flesh, it is done.  Decided.  Finished.  Only the power of Christ can then overcome it.

Verses that came to mind -

Genesis 4

¹ Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, “I have acquired a man from the LORD.” ² Then she bore again, this time his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. ³ And in the process of time it came to pass that Cain brought an offering of the fruit of the ground to the LORD. ⁴ Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat. And the LORD respected Abel and his offering, ⁵ but He did not respect Cain and his offering. And Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell.
⁶ So the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? ⁷ If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.”
⁸ Now Cain talked with Abel his brother;^[a] and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.
⁹ Then the LORD said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?”
He said, “I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?”
¹⁰ And He said, “What have you done? The voice of your brother’s blood cries out to Me from the ground. ¹¹ So now you are cursed from the earth, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. ¹² When you till the ground, it shall no longer yield its strength to you. A fugitive and a vagabond you shall be on the earth.”

Anger. How deadly a sin!  How many a person has died because another person became enraged with them, and killed them. Has the power to corrupt children, and make them aggressive and without patience.  Can damage hearts irrevocably when things said are not so easily unsaid, nor explained away when the storm has settled.  Can eat the person enraged, on the inside, and steal their joy.

Pride. The things we will do to save our face in front of others!  Similarly as with anger, this produces a desire to be in control and to show oneself to be superior and unable to be “hurt”.  Instead of taking insults, we throw them back.  Instead of letting others laugh at us, we laugh at them.  This sin affects so much of what we say and do.  Also, can easily lead to death.

These are just a couple of sins that can be named, but certainly,we should become familiar more than we are with the sins of the flesh listed in Scripture, and remind ourselves what each one of those can lead to, and how so very often, they can even lead to death.

The sexual lust we have can destroy our marriages and our children, cause them to not have us as Godly examples in their lives which can affect our legacy and generations to come.  The inability we have (I so often) to receive instruction when others try to steer us away from sin (just another way pride affects us) can lead us down paths we would never want to go.  We can find ourselves destroying the very foundation we are living on by the simplest things.   What are we building our house on?   Just thinking of this today, in my own life most importantly, and in people I have known and know.  Let us be on guard, friends.  Let us not think so lightly as we do of these things.  David killed Uriah, Cain killed Abel, and while we think we are so far beyond these kinds of consequences, I dare say we are closer than we think.  I think often of the verse in Proverbs, where the adulterous man “did not know it would cost him his life“.  There is a deep, deep power in self-deception.  By it, many a good man and woman has fallen into sins that they previously would have been embarrassed to name in public.  By justifying behavior which can in no wise be justified, and by doing it for so long that we forget what the Scripture even said about it, we deceive ourselves into thinking it was acceptable in the first place.  Today, I ask Christ to help me remember what it does to me, to others…to generations.

~R

P.S.  A few of my favorite movies where “regular” guys and gals end up in a real mess, or where people know they are doing wrong but think they will “get away with it” and it ends up quite differently – Changing Lanes, A Simple Plan, Sleepers, Atonement, Fargo, American Beauty, Changeling (Angelina Jolie), Unfaithful. (Use your own discretion, after all, these are movies that depict sin and its results.)

Thankful Thoughts

Thoughts for Today…

1.  Thank You God for giving me a husband that loves me, and thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

Gracious God, cause me to be selfless as I love him.  Help me to remember I am his helper.  Help me to help him.  Help me to build my house up with my hands.  Help me to be wise and choose wisdom always, that his heart may safely trust in me.  Help me to do him good, and not evil, all the days of his life.

2.  Thank You for my beautiful children, and for their resilience despite my wickedness and how often I fail them.

Gracious God, please help me to leave a beautiful legacy with them.  May they grow to truly know You, worthily magnify You, trust in You with all their hearts, and choose wisdom, and remain unspotted from the world.  May my arms be the “earthly” arms which they feel safest in, and may they trust in me to do them good and teach them Your ways.

3.  Thank You God, that as You were with Jonah, You are to me the God of “second chances” giving me the opportunity time and again to choose life and blessing in You and to trust and obey, and to receive  grace and forgiveness when I have fallen.

Lord, please help me to overcome.  Help me, to live by the blood of Your Son, a victorious life, one in which I am not brought under the power of any.  One where if at first I don’t succeed, I can try, try again, by Your power.  Lord, You know my vices, please help me, oh Jesus.  Let them not take hold of me, and choke out the Word in my life.

I am not selfless, but You are.  I am not able, but You are.  I am not humble, but Thou art.  I am discontent, but You are all-satisfying.  I am weak, but You are strong.  I cannot carry on any longer, but You can carry me.

~R

Priorities: Welcome to the world sweet Katie!

Hello again world – finally!

Just as you take fewer pictures of the subsequent children after child number one, your Blog posts also become fewer and farther between!  I hope to be back to writing more now as we have finally settled in with our third addition to our family, sweet Katie!

She is Katherine Ann Michelle Maes:  Named for Katharina von Bora, beloved wife of Martin Luther; Ann Barber, my sweet, serving, loving friend; and Michael Maes, deceased and beloved grandfather to my children, father-in-law to me, and father of my husband Bryan Michael Maes.  She looks so much like Bryan’s dad, which I find ironic and so special, as we named her as a memorial to him.  I know he would be completely soaking up her smiles if he were here, and letting her suck on his pinky until she fell peacefully asleep.

Katie entered our lives on the 18th of October, 2008 @ 8:43pm. She weighed 7 lbs., 2.8 oz., and was 18.5 in. long.  She became a treasure we awaited, at a time we did not expect, and is a blessing we can’t imagine living without. 

My pregnancy with Katie was relatively uneventful, and she, by God’s grace is so healthy, and happy.  Our C-section with Jackson was not expected, and as the time approached to have Katie, my hopes of a normal delivery not requiring sugery, were high and I hoped and prayed for the best.  By God’s grace, we were able to receive wonderful care during the pregnancy, and while a few times pre-ecclampsia seemed to be a scare, it seemed to stay at bay and to perhaps be a problem we would not have to weather again as with Jackson.

Then, I got the phone call.  The levels from my tests were so dangerous, I had to immediately go to the hospital.  As my body was not prepared to have Katie naturally, or in a healthy condition for induction, we had to have an emergency C-section, something I was not expecting, that caused me a lot of dissapointment.  My husband remedied this for me in two ways:  1.)  He found an episode of The Office on hulu.com called “Baby Shower” and showed it to me; 2.)  He prayed that God would show me grace and that I would heal quickly and well.  Both things I will always remember, because not only was the episode hilarious and a wonderful way to relax a tense situation, but God answered our prayer exceedingly abundantly above all we could have asked or imagined!  With Jackson, two or three weeks after having him I was still so uncomfortable and unable to do so much.  With Katie – I was at church a week after she was born and already feeling amazing right away, with the exception of a few really, really hard, painful days.  Thank you Lord for Your grace!  Katie is such a happy, sweet little girl.  What has made our children so happy, only God knows.  I fail every day to be a mother worthy of Him, and yet our children are all so content and peaceful for the most part (trust me, I don’t mean every day or every moment!). 

There is much that I have learned already and been reminded of with three children – whew!

1.)  Each child is so precious and unique in their own way – they are God’s creation and He is an amazing creator!

2.)  You have to stay on top of things as best as you can - when things get out of control and unorganized with three children, it may be a year before things even out again!

3.)  Remember that you can’t and won’t always stay on top of things.  Staying on top of discipline, showing the children love, nourishing and cherishing them is far more important than an organized home – if you don’t do that, it may be more than a year before things get evened out – they may never even out again.

4.)  Nursing is a huge commitment – and nothing could be a better way to have to stop, rest, and enjoy your child.  It’s so hard, but so worth it!

5.)  Happy hearts and full bellies can happen even in a dirty house where things are chaotic – and things will be!

6.)  It’s a good idea to minimize the commitments you have to anything else besides your family.  They are most important, and a lot of stress and chaos can be eliminated by not putting too much on your plate that doesn’t need to be there.  There will be time for entertaining others, parties, and attending other functions at other times.  This time, as your children grow, you will never get back again.

7.)  Sunday morning preparation requires a lot more than it once did!  It’s a good idea to eliminate or at least lesson the amount of activities on Saturday nights, and if nothing else, to get to bed at a really decent hour.  Bry and I strive to get the kids bathed and everyone’s clothes laid out on Saturday nights to minimize stress!  It doesn’t always happen, but it sure is helpful when it does! 

8.)  Your spouse is your best friend, and greatest helper in this time of high demand and the business of childrearing.  You must be a system of support in which you both strive to help the other, and share in the responsibilities, while keeping expectations low.

9.)  Keep expectations low.  Expect that some days, the most you will get done is keeping everyone fed and changed, and perhaps a little tiny bit of time for you.  Expect difficulty, and be PLEASANTLY SURPRISED when it is easier than you thought, and the day goes very smoothly, and you accomplish a lot!

10.)  Remember God is gracious and merciful.  He gives us what we need when we ask it of Him. When you feel parenting or having another child is impossible, remember that with God all things are possible. 

11.)  You may have been able to hide some of your stress with child one and child two – you may have been able to make it appear as though you really are that wonderful perfect little parent everyone says you are.  When number three comes along – you’ll be crying in your soup, and know what it means to pray for God’s strength because you are not supermom!

12.)  If you don’t have time or strength for much else, just chase your children around the house threatening to tickle them.  It means as much to them if not more than hours of undivided attention!

13.)  Just as your strength will be put to the test with three children, proving you are not supermom, so will your righteousness.  You will be further strained, and therefore unable to hide those weaknesses and sins which are easier to hide with less testing of your patience taking place.

14.)  Don’t compare yourself to other mothers in a self-condemning way.  You may only be able to make processed food for your family to eat, and your house may always be a complete disaster, but remember, Christ is far more concerned with righteousness and obedience to Him than pristine living conditions in which strife and wrath are present.  Obey God, honor your husband.

15.)  Compare yourself to other mothers in a healthy way.  Learn from other mothers what has worked for them, and find exciting, new ways to accomplish everything, or at least a few things on your list, as well as discovering what behaviors you may have that are inhibiting your growth, well-being, and success as a blessed home-maker and mother.

16.)  Home is not a building.  It is your family.

17.)  I am too much of  a people pleaser.  I want my house clean and pristine oftentimes because I want people to think I have it all “together”.  I think people value cleanliness more than I should – it is a happy home and happy children that people want/need more of! 

18.)  The early bird (or mom) gets the worm.  Although I often fail to do this because I am so tired, I have found SO much grace and strengthening by getting up an hour or two before the children to accomplish things before the herd of elephants come to the door wanting breakfast!  Having a head start is an important part of my well-being.  Being prepared makes everything easier.

19.)  I can’t imagine not having more of these precious angels.

20.)  I am compleely unworthy of these little angels.  With all I have said and done, and failed to say and do, I deserve nothing of what I have.  I ask my friends and loved ones for their forgiveness in all the many ways I sin against them, and I press on hoping to raise children who will do better in their lifetime than I have done in mine. 

Priorities

I hope my children look back on today, And see a Mother who had time to play! Children grow up while you’re not looking, There’ll be years ahead for cleaning and cooking, So quiet now, cobwebs; dust go to sleep. I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep. …Unknown Author

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would like to dedicate this post to my Husband, Bryan Michael Maes:

You are my Husband, my lover, father of our children, my best friend, my greatest human comforter, the person without whom none of my accomplishments would be possible, and the one who encourages me to hang in there and keep persevering every day, the person who reminds me what matters, doesn’t care what other people think, can uplift me in my darkest hours, and who daily reminds me what God values, and what forgiveness looks like when I am a less-than-honorable vessel.  I love you Bryan, thanks or putting up with me.

 

~your wife, Rachel 

About a Grandfather

Since I have become a parent, I have come to believe that the absolute closest love for a child to that of a parent’s, is that of a grandparent’s. I feel my tears could overflow if I think too long on the depth of this love and how I wish it could still overflow tangibly in their little lives from their grandfather. This is a dedication to the love of their grandfather, and my husband’s father, Michael Maes.

Mike told his wife Veronica, he would only really be interested in the children once they reached a certain age, and were able to interact more. But both Maron and Jackson stole his heart immediately. Maron sucked on his little pinky wishing it would give more, and Jackson laid helplessly in his arms as comfortable as could be in newborn slumber.

Mike (and my dear mother-in-law so much too) had a way of showing me the things I was failing to see through my “parent” eyes. As grandparents are not with the children all day or responsible for their consistent discipline and training, they tend to be on the side of just enjoying them, and seeing everything we are, if you will, too tired to see in a day’s time. I will always remember a day we got a surprise visit from Mike.  He told me that he and Veronica had talked about it, and that they wanted to share what they could with us, when they could. So as Mike stopped by that day to give us a gift, he of course anxiously awaited seeing Maron, and she was so excited to see him. I remember being frustrated that day with Maron because of this or that discipline issue, and being worn down with her as I was trying to accomplish tasks around the house and for whatever reason she was making that more difficult. But Mike of course, had nothing but praise for her, and nothing but sweetness in his eyes as he talked about her. Not only will I always remember that visit because it was unexpected, or because he gave to us graciously with charity, but because he opened my eyes to remember what a gift I had in my little girl, and to not forget that just because so many other distractions surround us as parents.  I still remember the blue pajamas she had on and her tiny little frame…

Mike had nothing but praise for Bryan and I as parents, something for which we are so undeserving. I remember poignant phone calls he would make to us, telling us how he didn’t know what we were doing, but whatever it was, our children were so happy and content, and such blessings. I broke down shortly after his death thinking of how he talked about Jackson’s smile. He used to just love Jackson’s toothless grin, and the way his little face lit up when Mike would clap his hands together as a newborn. And the funny thing is, my Jackson is still such a little clapper to this day!  He claps when he hears music, sometimes when you tell him to, and even when he gets mad – ha!

I am so humbled when I think about Mike’s compliments, because I am under absolutely no illusions about my parenting – it is the grace of God. What Mike was able to see is such a blessing, and I hope it is in part the fruit of our labors to raise them in the fear and admonition of the Lord – but oh, even that is nothing but the grace of God.

My mother-in-law is so young to be a widow, and my father-in-law was so young to die. To try to contemplate the he is forever gone from our lives is a difficult thing to do. I will miss the Christmas dinners we had every year on Christmas Eve at La Hacienda in Old Town, the times visiting where Maron would sit with her grandfather and eat more candy than any human being should consume, contentedly in his lap, and where Jackson’s smile would make Mike so happy. I sorrow as well to think he will never know this child growing in my womb, and bring it the joy he has brought my other two children.

My mother-in-law asked us to move in with her and to build a family life together with her, my sister-in-law Brandie who is a single mother, and her son Quentin.  We are here and busy bees as a remodel is being done to the house to make two dormitory-style bedrooms – one for boys, and one for girls.  What can I say – we are Presbyterian at heart – we love nice wine, nice tobacco, and being fruitful and multiplying, the latter part making the dormitory-style bedrooms a must have as we do not know how much more fruitfulness God may grant!

There are many adjustments to be made, and much grieving I am sure left to do by us all.  We have seen God’s mercy in so many ways and have received so much help from so many to make this merger possible.  My sweet husband, Michael’s dear eldest son of three, has shown me more grace and help in this time of transition than ANY wife could ever have expected from a grieving son.  He works so hard, even through his sorrow, to provide for us.  He is gracious, and God is gracious.  I have learned/am learning so much from this situation that I couldn’t possibly summarize it all for you in one post without this turning into another ten pages, but here are a few really special things I have realized and been reminded of:

1.  James 1:27 (New King James Version)

“Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.”

2.  God cares for His children, and gives them good gifts and shows them grace in all their distress.

3.  Neither Bryan nor I have perfect parents, or had perfect upbringings.  Our parents were sinners, flawed, and many times wrong.  But in these times, it is funny the things you remember.  You don’t sit around complaining about all of that, or keeping a record of wrongs; you remember all of the good they did in your life, and how many times they sacrificed and went without so you could have more or have your needs met, and how many funny things they said and did that will always make you smile.  I didn’t have the twenty-four years with Mike that Bryan did, but nonetheless, my mind and heart are full of memories of all the gifts he gave to our family, how many times he helped us when we felt helpless, how he fought for Bryan as a father does for a son, and how many laughs we had along the way, despite so many difficulties.  Cliche or not, I have been struck so much lately by the song “Big Yellow Taxi”.  It is true, you don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone, love the ones you have while they are here.  No matter how hard it is, whether it be a relationship, a job, a situation; if it were gone tomorrow, how would you feel?

4.  Philippians 2:3 (New King James Version)

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”

5.  God is near to the broken-hearted, be gentle, patient, and full of grace towards those who are, as God Himself would be.

6.  Take one day at a time.  One hour…  One moment…

7.  When you are tired, rest.  You will see things more clearly this way.

8.  Strive to see the little graces in life every day.

9.  I Timothy 6:6 (New King James Version)

“Now godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain^[c] we can carry nothing out. 8 And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. 9 But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

10.  The song “100 Years” by Five for Fighting says it best.

Thank you Lord for Mike’s example to Bryan in so many ways, making him the husband and father he is today, and thank you Dear Lord for giving Mike to us, for the short while he was ours…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ULBA8pvnnE

~Rachel Maes; Wife to Bryan Michael Maes; Daughter-in-Law to Michael Maes, gone to be with our Lord July 3, 2008.

Please Don’t!

May I give you a small rant?  It’s late, I don’t have time for a long one anyway.  Please don’t, I repeat, PLEASE DO NOT (and I apologize in advance to any woman I have EVER done this to EVER) call a woman who has just had a baby (and MY WORD, especially don’t visit one) with your primary question(s) being related to how her labor was, how long it took, did she or didn’t she use drugs, and how assisted/unassisted it was or where the location was that she had it – think about the B-A-B-Y!  I KNOW I have been guilty of this before, and it is certainly true (especially with really close, close friends) that some of this questioning is simply curiosity and wanting to know just how your friend is recovering and to share in this beautiful experience with them – I get that.  What I don’t get, is, HELLO, someone just had a BABY!  Pop open the champagne (only a little for you mom!) light up the cigars, and get DOWN ON YOUR KNEES and thank the Living God that another child has been brought into this world!  If you are calling because you can’t wait to push your natural childbirth/homebirth/so-called-best-birth agenda on the person who just had the baby through prying with questions intended only to make the person second guess their birth experience or so you can explain how they could have done this or that better, PLEASE leave the mama alone.  There is a time and a place for all things, and frankly, I thought the whole point of any form of birth experience was this little tiny thing called a b-a-b-y.  A tired, hormonal, extremely fragile individual (i.e. the mom who just had the baby) doesn’t need these calls.  See if she wants some bubble bath, some chocolate, or if you can do a load of her laundry, but please, please, pretty please I beg of you, let the other questions rest!  Ok, with that said, I really DO want phone calls when my baby is born!  LOL!  I’m out…

With Love,

~R