The Storm Before the Rainbow: Helping Others Have Hope

These days have been rough. And not just on me. When Jackson was approximately eight months old, right before I found out I was pregnant, I reached an amazing low. I was crying, and immobile many days, unable to get past the sadness that I felt, for no apparent reason. As I look back (and maybe things were different and I just don’t remember) I don’t recall feeling like I was particularly overwhelmed with having the kids, or the duties of every day life. This sadness would just grip me from some unknown source, and cripple me beyond reason or energy. As time went on, and after I weaned especially, it became so much better (but I sure do miss nursing my sweet boy)! And now, it has reared its ugly head my way again. I find myself on highs one moment – dinner being made at breakfast time, cleaning being done as need be and a tidy house to show for it, happy children, clean children (haha), lists done, shopping done, ministry done; the next moment I can’t move and the walls close in, I feel claustrophobic and like even the smallest thing in the world is unmanageable. My eyes become full of tears, my heart becomes crushed, and my sorrow becomes unstoppable. But just a few minutes before, I was smiling and encouraged, or at least mobile. Suddenly, the messes in my home mirror the messes in my heart and I don’t know where to go. This of course presents a vicious cycle, where things don’t get done that need to, leading only to more sorrow and a minimization of space whether literally, or in my mind, as the walls close in and the task becomes insurmountable. Before you think it’s probably all related to babies, it’s been years – almost 10 that this has been going on. At times when I had a great job, friends, church, etc. And of course, many times it has been brought on by external suffering.

I am so discouraged by how the Christian community tends to respond to suffering of the “mind” if you will. I have struggled with depression, actually, ironically, since I became a Christian. There are probably many reasons for that, I know living a life of sin without conviction gives pleasure for a season. Understanding God’s Word and what is required of us makes life different – with much wisdom comes much sorrow. My good friend and I recently had a great chat (well, it was email, but it still feels like talking) about how depression and the treatment of it is not always linked to one’s abandoning of responsibilities or becoming purely self-focused. Oftentimes, it can be something related to our bodies, which are affected by the fall. I gotta love how people talk about childbirth sometimes, like since God made it to be what it is, that removes the element of needing any assistance in order to experience it. Yes, are bodies are made for it, but our bodies have lost the splendor of their creation without sin. In the same way, our minds are affected by the fall as well as our bodies, and will suffer the affects of hormone changes and other difficulties. And yes, we may even need help.

Even as I write this, I sorrow to think of the criticism people will have, and I myself once had. Maybe that is the lesson and reminder; until you go through it, maybe it’s best if you don’t counsel others. A controversial idea, I know. Can an unmarried person give Biblical marriage advice? Can someone without children give another person discipline tips? Well, of course, it can happen, and sometimes, depending on the situation and whether or not anyone else is available, it must happen. So, I’m not saying the Word of God changes, or isn’t the only authority we need, I’m saying, a person with lack of experience in certain Biblical areas will lack the ability to apply the Word the same way someone will who has experienced it. Thus, I’m kind of on a new kick, realizing, if I haven’t lived it, I probably am the last person in the world to give advice about it, and I think that’s the best thing for all of us to do. I checked out a book from the library awhile back, one of the coolest parenting books I’ve found. It was just written by a mom – no degrees in medicine, no experience as a child psychologist, just a mom. On each page, she listed tip after tip for everything a mother experiences in a day, and a lifetime. I was telling Bryan, I would trust what her book recommends ten times before I would trust the latest child psychology book, written by someone with no children and no practical wisdom for everyday parenting. One has experience; one has a bunch of information they read in a textbook, or observed in other children not their own. I would be the last person to explain to a Nuclear Physicist something about his job, and a single woman with no children, can’t possibly understand what my sleepless nights are like as my friends with children do. Ignorance is something you can still have, even if you have read a textbook. I am happy to pray with others, offer what little comfort I can, and content to know they should probably talk to someone other than myself if it is an issue I am ill-equipped to counsel in.

II Corinthians 1:

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ. 6 Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. 7 And our hope for you is steadfast, because we know that as you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation.

I am so thankful God allows us to go through suffering for the purpose of comforting others in that same sorrow. Before my miscarriage, I don’t know that I had any emotion at all when women shared that suffering with me – it was too far removed from my experience. If Bryan had never lost a job, and we had never spent sleepless nights wondering how we would make it through this or that situation, we would never be able to have the same compassion and empathy, which we now possess. Honestly, that alone makes the trials worth it. I feel so near to so many people in different walks of life than my own, simply because we are united by the same suffering. I go to the doctor to ask them about my health, not about sin in my heart. Anymore than I look in God’s Word for directions on how to perform emergency knee surgery. Everything has its place, and if we view Scripture as literally the ONLY book of value in the entire world, or if we read every self help book on the planet to the neglect of Scripture, both of these are error, in my opinion. God has gifted men and women to write many things to provide us with further encouragement, knowledge, and understanding to aid us in this life with Christ. A commentary is nothing more than a sermon, hopefully pointing us to understanding Scripture better. And a medical journal saves lives, which is in keeping with loving our neighbor, isn’t it? I say this because their are many people who think the further pursuit of knowledge that isn’t exactly Scripture itself is unnecessary, and in some cases sin. But I say, if you have experience in a topic (I.E. John Calvin writing to me about marriage or suffering) I praise God for all the more that you can tell me! This does not negate Scripture, it merely enhances it. A Godly book should cause us to thank God more. But if another ungodly feminist man-hater with no children tries to tell the world why being at home is a pathetic suppression of your talents and career-driven-self when she has never experienced the joys of it, I’m going to scream. Stick to what you know – hating God. And let the rest of us stick to the joy we experience on a daily basis, no matter how hard it is. Rachel’s Rambling Verbosity takes another road off the main course. Back to the issue of depression:

As I find myself dealing with it, I am amazed at the amount of critique you can find from people who know nothing about the body, or personal experience with a wounded mind. I once shared the opinion that drugs to treat physical infirmities such as depression was always wrong, and now I realize, I only have experience with the mind and its sorrows, not everything about the body – I’ll leave that to doctors who know far more than myself as they have actually seen the brain. I do not believe medication is for me, but if it is for you and your family, and you have made a truly informed decision about that, I support you and wish the best for you. I hope to explore more the realm of exercise, herbs, and maybe what my crazy thyroid might be doing. I don’t know what exactly it is, and if by God’s grace it is purely schedule-related things I can change (and believe me, I am working on it!) then praise Him! I KNOW 100%, I can spend more time in the Word, prayer, rest, exercise, you name it, and it drastically helps me with this issue. I am simply saying it is not always the case that this is all myself or others need. And if it is more that I need, I praise Him for the knowledge He has given to many God-fearing doctors to treat me as may need be, and to Christian friends who have experienced this to offer their Biblical wisdom. But if you have never experienced crippling depression, take it from me, please don’t tell people in this state that they need to focus on the war in the rest of the world and take their mind off their self, run five miles a day, start a journal, or do more ministry. Some of the most compassionate, hard-working people you will ever meet struggle the most with depression, and I dare say, that is what gives them some of that compassion, too. Yeah, maybe postpardum despression can be cured through a journal and prayer, but maybe I’m not a doctor (well, actually, I’m definitely not) and since I’ve experienced it, I’m not willing to explain it away that easily for every case? Charity requires that we think the best, hope the best, and desire the best to love our fellow Christians. I can also say, you’d be amazed what a simple hug, or just weeping with those who weep can do to a person in this state. Everyone doesn’t need a list, sometimes they just need your love. Some things don’t have a perfect explanation, as Job discovered. Some things just require trust, perseverance, and Godly friendship to carry the burden.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to go on this journey, to truly learn what it means that Your burden is light, and Your yoke, easy.

~R